Gossip Folks: Or Why You Can't Keep a Secret

So, today we had this big to-do over a conference call announcing the departure of two executives from our firm. No real warning, some people had suspected but not confirmed, etc etc etc.

Now, the manager officiating at said conference call says, just before adjourning, "You know how the rumor mill is here. Let's not substantiate or contribute to it." Or something to that effect. I didn't hear it all, I had to go pee.

Meanwhile, less than an hour later, what am I listening to? The girl in the next cubicle over recapping the story of the two executives...hmm, very interesting. You think this is bad? You should hear what they say when someone finds out two coworkers are sleeping together.

45 Calories and Counting: Or Why Coca-Cola Blak is the Shit, Yo!

Alright, so I know I'm all late to jump on the bandwagon...but in all honesty, I was a little afraid to try it. Mixed reviews, crazy concept (uh, coke and coffee? get the eff outta here), whatever. Anyway, so I'm at a client site, bored outta my freakin mind, and I see it in the cafeteria. Gotta try it, right? Whoa...can I say love at first guzzle? I am a fan for life. You know what they say, once you go blak...

Ice Cube And Me: Or My Attempt to Rap

It is finally Friday...hence my homage to Ice Cube, to the tune of "It Was a Good Day."

Just wakin up in the mornin, gotta thank God

Got my shortcomings but a nice lookin bod

Picked out a nice skirt, you'll like how I rock

It's summertime bitches, I don't need no sock

Free breakfast at the office and I eat all I can

Twenty-fo years old, still workin for The Man

Finally got a chance to go see Janelle

Gonna get my "herre did," no grease and no gel

She knows how I like it, real cute, a little sass

Just makin sure the dudes take a glance as I pass

Looked in my mirror and not a pimple in sight

And everything is alright

Got a text from ____, and he can *bleep* all night

It's just too bad I don't get down like that

Gotta get up early Saturday, lay down my yoga mat

Besides I got plans to see Miami Vice with the crew

What I'd do with Jamie Foxx, don'tcha wish you knew?

Later, you can get me on the dance floor and I'm scary

You can get with me if you're not too hairy

When it comes to a party, I just don't play

I believe it, today will be a good day (shit!)

JW Marriott, Silver Spring and McDonald's: Or the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Meg was in town for a wedding and made room for me in her schedule so we could catch up over Starbucks and chill in her luxe suite at the JW Marriott. I love that girl and always feel like everything is right with the world when I am near her.

I went on a match.com date...another one for the record books. After trucking my tired ass all the way out to Silver Spring, I had two drinks, some uninspiring conversation (though I do now know how crazy the sister of a complete stranger is...), and a ride to the Metro. He wants to see me again, of course. *SIGH*

The bright golden arches beckoned to me during my walk home, and I failed to resist stuffing my face with some McDonald's french fries. That's just ugly. This weekend should be much more interesting.

Summer of the Shoutout: Revolutionary Diva J

Who else can you call on to go to a Kelly Clarkson concert, plan the overthrow of the white male power structure, drink lots of wine and cuss out your ex while destroying mementos ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT? In my mind, there is only J.

Vital Stats

• Years of friendship: 3, give or take. The last year or so has been the most active.
• Hometown: The Richmond area, VA
• Prized possessions: A multitude of fashion accessories
• Celebrity crush: Jake Gyllenhaal
• How we met: Chopin Gal, who we ironically don't see much of these days. And we went to college together.
• Where we've been: Destin, DC, Dur'm, Atlanta, Miami, Orlando, maybe Vegas...
• Favorite memory with J: Too many to count. But I did just read her book, which is fabulous. It's heavy, y'all. Definitely not a good bedtime story.

Why I love J:

• Her notable quotables: "Clearly," "Cank," "Slizzard," "Bitches", "Kushushu," "Fussin," etc.
• She taught me that you should just march into any old place like you know what you're doing. 99% of the time, no one will question you, especially if you're tall like J.
• She helped me plan the first and only Revolutionary Summit.
• She knows a lot about Africa.
• She invented "bucket punch."
• She has a cute nephew who rocks rough and tough with his lopsided afro puff.
• She helped me see the distinction between being crazy all over and just crazy about some things. AND why there are very few women cuter/better than me :)
• She knows the words to all Michael Jackson songs and is always up for a night of dancing.

And there will be pics of her posted as soon as Blogger stops effing around. Ah, here we go:

Did You Really Need to Know That?: Why Facebook/MySpace/Friendster/Other can be bad for your health

It's my own fault, really. I stumbled upon FaceBook in its infancy (when only snobby private schools were invited, before they started letting in the rif raff aka state universities. LOL), and being a senior in college with a secured job offer before fall semester exams, I clearly had NOTHING better to do with my time. You know it, FaceBook and all the other sites like it are just like online crack. There, I said it, you're no better than any Tyrone Biggums on the street looking for a hit.

There are several reasons, besides potential addiction, that you should steer clear of social networking sites:

1. You don't REALLY want to know about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend's new main squeeze, let alone see the cheesy pics of them wearing t-shirts with each other's image on it. *sigh and shake head hopelessly*
2. Great - now the world knows you left your bra in his car.
3. Your grades, if you're still in school, will suffer.
4. Your boss, when he finds out you spend all day online, will fire you.
5. You too can become the victim/perp of statutory rape.
6. Worse, you can find half-naked pics of your little sister/cousin/babysitting charge online.
7. You will get mad at friends for missing out on important info - "OMG! I posted it on your wall, so why didn't you meet me for happy hour?"
8. You will feel the need to "add" people as friends just to avoid pissing them off.
9. You will become an "egocaster."
10. You will be exposed to terrible "music."

That being said, I am a an active and loyal member of the Facebook, MySpace, and though I seldom use it (read: never), the original Friendster. *SIGH*. Like I said, it's hopeless. Ooh, somebody tagged a new photo of me. Gotta go.

Beachy Keen: Or Ode to Assateague Island

So if you know anything about me, you know that I love the beach. It doesn't really matter where on the planet said beach is located, you can count me in for a good time. Luckily, I have found in my good friend H a kindred soul that shares my love of all things sand-and-saltwater related. We headed out to Assateague Island, MD this weekend, and it was a blast as usual...even the occasional raindrops didn't stop our reckless cavorting. I'll post some picture highlights when stupid Blogger gets its shizz together and stops timing out :(

Summer of the Shoutout: Partner in Crime J

Ugh, raging hangover...But as always, I have my good friend J to thank for a night of fun and frolic on the town.

Ladies and Gents, Meet J

Vital Stats :

Years of friendship: Almost 2

Hometown: St. Louie

Occupation: Sexpot and fashionista

Special talent: Bargain shopping (I'm taking notes)

How we met: How else? Abony

Favorite memory with J: The "Club AJ" Party (aka Sausagefest 2k5) in the Boom Boom Room

What's next: Who knows? According to J, "The summer is young..."

Why I love J:

• She says things like: "Let's be honest. My ass is never going to look this good again."
• She has impeccable fashion sense and a knack for accessorizing
• She's always up for a bottle of Prosecco and dancing (hip hop, please!)
• She doesn't mind if I say to the guy on the dance floor: "Actually, no, she doesn't want to dance with you."
• A night out with J = No waiting at the velvet rope and VIP status
• She introduces me to fun/interesting people
• She knows what she's worth and has no time for men who can't recognize that.
• She can turn my day from zero to awesome in 5.2 seconds flat.
• She's generous with compliments ("Ari, you look RETRO hot!")
• Her dad went to HBS (clearly we were meant to be friends. LOL)

Summer of the Shoutout: Best Friend M

I know for sure that I am two things: easily bored and blessed with many good friends. So, without further ado, I think you should know a little bit about my peeps, starting with the end-all-be-all of best girlfriends:

Ladies and gents, meet M

Vital Stats

Years of Friendship: 10 and counting...

Hometown: ATL

Prized Possessions: iPod Nano and VW bug convertible (so hawt!)

Celebrity Crush: Dr. Phil

Secret (or not-so-secret) obsession: Starbucks

Special talent: Giving people nicknames (my personal faves: Chubs, R-Head, French Wanker, Happy Bastard, and Doobie)

How we met: 9th grade homeroom. It was just downhill from there. We always got in trouble for talking during the afternoon announcements.

Where we've gone together: Destin, Zurich, Greece, and next year - Australia!

What's next: Being bridesmaids in E's wedding. Sounds like trouble...

Favorite memory with M: Dancing at my parents' 50th birthday party

Big plans: M and I are retiring to a beach house eventually...haven't decided yet if our husbands/boyfriends/lovers/cabana-boys are invited.

Why I love M

• She puts up with me, which is not always easy to do
• She doesn't mind if I drunk dial her or complain about man problems
• She has big dreams and a bigger heart
• She loves animals
• She has an awesome family
• She makes me laugh and kick my feet
• She misses me when I'm gone
• She has grown so much in the time I have known her
• She will look at this post and say, "R, thanks for the shoutout...but couldn't you have picked a different photo of me?"

Graceful Ari is the Shizz: Or a List of My More Auspicious Accomplishments

Just because I felt like reflecting...I have:

• Moved recently
• Joined match.com (it's really not as psycho as you think)
• Sunbathed on the beach while secretly hoping for more than five minutes that I would sink into the sand and never reappear
• Considered a serious life change
• Postponed said life change in favor of manipulating the system for a bit longer and "milk it" for all its worth
• Watched way too much tv and pondered whether it really rots your brain
• Sighed with happiness
• Wanted to rip someone's eyes out of their head
• Driven through farmland
• Googled a crush...several times
• Drunk way too much Starbucks coffee
• Started reading a ridiculously long and academic-type book...for fun
• Wanted to fly
• Run for my life
• Cried to my mom on the phone
• Rolled my eyes at someone else's idiocy
• Danced in my bedroom
• Been serenaded by guitar in the woods (very romantique!)
• Told my best friend I love her
• Walked to the metro station
• Had eye sex with a stranger
• Taken a friend with benefits that is "bad for my soul" (but I told him so first)
• Watched my brother graduate from high school and known that I was happier for him than he has been/will ever be for me
• Seen every current movie in the theatre that I had a desire to see
• Cheated the system
• Watched a grown man cry...and felt inexpressable joy that he shared that with me
• Been dumped...twice...and counting...
• Seriously considered that I may be single for the rest of my life
• Overeaten
• Obssessed about my weight
• Called a boy one too many times
• Bought many things I did not need
• Fantasized regularly
• Blushed and laughed
• Been called "genuine"
• Sung at the top of my lungs
• Seen a photograph and pondered the story behind it
• Prayed
• Passed a homeless person without ignoring him but lied about having money to give him
• Felt ashamed of my country's leaders
• Not resolved my anger over Hurricane Katrina
• Cried because not everyone has access to quality healthcare
• Too many pairs of shoes
• Drunken Prosecco with a good friend
• Watched two of my best friends make out with each other
• Canceled one gym membership to join another
• Lost touch with loved ones
• Called an old friend
• Networked my ass off
• Not let go of a number of girlish crushes
• Been to Greece and thought that the Aegean Sea looks like blue raspberry Jello
• Argued with my parents
• Considered that writing may be my true calling (and no, I don't really care for your opinion on that)
• A serious addiction to Pinkisthenewblog.com
• Decided that the birth of a celebrity baby does not qualify as "breaking news" suitable for distribution on a certain reputable 24-hour cable news network.
• Managed to find something wrong with all MBA programs except Harvard's
• Made my parents proud
• Not learned to cook enough
• Stopped to smell the roses (I'm not kidding. My neighbors have the most beautiful bushes...)
• Asked for forgiveness
• Worked really hard
• Exceeded my monthly cell phone minutes
• Felt lonely...often
• Not been kissed nearly enough
• Learned to love me just as I am

That was cathartic. I'll probably make another list every once in a while.

My New Job: Or Spitting Out Spreadsheets

No, I didn't quit my job. I am, however, traveling again to hospitals and doing performance improvement consulting. So, the experience is necessarily like starting a completely new profession.

To put it succinctly, I love it. This is really the first time that I have ever felt challenged by (or even interested in) my work. My managers (I'm still figuring out why) give me a ton of responsibility and want to teach me something new at every given turn. I love it, love it, love it.

I never considered myself a datahead. Dataheads are geeky, snarky, socially awkward...right? Wrong. The dataheads in this particular area of my company are some of the most fun people you'll ever come to know. Shocking but true. They're really good at what they do, and also very entertaining. Where was I? Oh, yea, I'm no datahead. In fact, just the opposite. If I could find a profession that allows me to talk to people all day long, well, I'd be the best...whatever that profession is...you could possibly be. This current position is something else. Your best friend is a laptop, so you better snuggle down with that hard drive and get nice and acquainted. Formulas are your language of love and spreadsheets the fruit of your, um, er, nevermind. So anyway, I get to talk with the client every day, but in theory I could accomplish my whole tasklist using e-mail, Access and Excel.

My teammates and managers are all older than me: married, grown kids, graduate-degree-and-tons-of-healthcare-experience types, but they keep me in stitches. Who knew an ER doctor accidentally leaving a sponge inside the patient could be hilarious? Aw, come on: a little toxic shock never hurt anybody...except the patient. A sense of humor is a must in this biznass.

Love and Basketball: Or the Weirdest Fucking Sunday Night I've Had in a While

Today is a new day.

How retarded is it that it took an unfortunate event, a minor catastrophe (trivial to the rest of the world, significant to me) in my life, to make me start blogging again.

So, yea, some shit went down last night. Your girl Ari was none too pretty and none too happy. I don't even think I will discuss it in this forum: 1) out of respect, 2) because I haven't really processed it at all. That will take more than a while. There are way too many X factors...

Anyway, this shit to which I allude went down on Sunday evening at the most auspicious of times. I was in limbo, in a good mood and also tired and also anxious to receive some news. Nevertheless, I was making the best out of it:
1) Eating Orange Chicken from Mr. Chen's Organic Cuisine (see www.campusfood.com)
2) Watching my Georgetown Hoyas DOMINATE the Buckeye Bitches;
3) Gearing up for another online test prep class with the secure knowledge that my score keeps improving, which is nice.

THEN. IT. HAPPENED.

Everything became so schizo...there I was, bawling my eyes out and certain that the world (or at least mine) would end at any moment, screaming bloody murder...but the sun was shining. And the Hoyas were winning on TV. And the world continued to be as joyous as I had found it 24 hours earlier, and I could see and recognize all of this in the midst of my misery.

Why? I have no idea, but I felt like I was having an out-of-body-experience. I highly recommend it, but I hope you never have to feel the sting of pain I did to get there.

In any case, I don't know if anyone out there is still reading, but in some capacity, I'm back. I've been cheating on you, dear blog, but I pledge to repent and be faithful once again.

It's Been So Long: Or How Hoyas Crush Blue Devils

Really...what else can you say about that?