Holy Crap: Or How Capitalism Raped Christianity

In J's words, "I mean, I am a baller." So it was no big deal to switch my plans at the last minute and fly to Orlando for the 4th of July weekend to visit two of my favorite Gtown grads. We'll call them J-Squared.

Besides an awesome shopping spree at the outlet mall and a day of rides at Universal Studios, our happy threesome stumbled upon another interesting attraction just off of I-4: The Holy Land Experience. I'm telling you, had I not been there, no way we would have stumbled across an attraction so ridiculous.

Oh, yes. It IS what you think it is. The Holy Land Experience is a theme park/amusement/attraction designed to transport the 21st century visitor to The Holy Land. Israel. Jerusalem, to be specific. Nevermind the fact that you're not in an actual desert locale in the Middle East. You're in the middle of muggy, touristy, Disney-esque Orlando, right smack in the middle of the Red State/Bible Belt.

My mouth gaped wide open as we drove past. The Holy Land Experience? Are you kidding? My God, whose brainchild was this? And what venture capitalist agreed to finance such an undertaking? A huge replica of the Holy Temple blocked my view of the rest of the park, so my mind began to wander and imagine the types of attractions held within:

• Test your agility in the "Dodge a Suicide Bomber" room! Avoid cafes, markets and public squares! Those bombers are tricky, and those who avoid getting blood and guts on their clothes WIN!
• Sing along to the crucifixion! Dress up as an actual Roman guard and pose with the Savior!
• Amaze your family as our holy magicians teach you to change water into wine! Great party tricks for all!
• Challenge your friends to play peace broker b/t those feisty Israelis and Palestinians! Ceasefires and treaties get you bonus points, and the highest score wins!
  
  All this and more at the Holy Land Experience!

Ok, so I'm bordering on sacrilege, but I'm trying to make a point. Christian or not, I hope most people were as appalled at this eyesore as I was. What's worse is that the park attempted to gain property tax exemption, a distinction reserved for venues such as places of worship. I feel violently ill just thinking about it. Capitalist pigs.