Summer of the Shoutout: Partner in Crime J

Ugh, raging hangover...But as always, I have my good friend J to thank for a night of fun and frolic on the town.

Ladies and Gents, Meet J

Vital Stats :

Years of friendship: Almost 2

Hometown: St. Louie

Occupation: Sexpot and fashionista

Special talent: Bargain shopping (I'm taking notes)

How we met: How else? Abony

Favorite memory with J: The "Club AJ" Party (aka Sausagefest 2k5) in the Boom Boom Room

What's next: Who knows? According to J, "The summer is young..."

Why I love J:

• She says things like: "Let's be honest. My ass is never going to look this good again."
• She has impeccable fashion sense and a knack for accessorizing
• She's always up for a bottle of Prosecco and dancing (hip hop, please!)
• She doesn't mind if I say to the guy on the dance floor: "Actually, no, she doesn't want to dance with you."
• A night out with J = No waiting at the velvet rope and VIP status
• She introduces me to fun/interesting people
• She knows what she's worth and has no time for men who can't recognize that.
• She can turn my day from zero to awesome in 5.2 seconds flat.
• She's generous with compliments ("Ari, you look RETRO hot!")
• Her dad went to HBS (clearly we were meant to be friends. LOL)

Summer of the Shoutout: Best Friend M

I know for sure that I am two things: easily bored and blessed with many good friends. So, without further ado, I think you should know a little bit about my peeps, starting with the end-all-be-all of best girlfriends:

Ladies and gents, meet M

Vital Stats

Years of Friendship: 10 and counting...

Hometown: ATL

Prized Possessions: iPod Nano and VW bug convertible (so hawt!)

Celebrity Crush: Dr. Phil

Secret (or not-so-secret) obsession: Starbucks

Special talent: Giving people nicknames (my personal faves: Chubs, R-Head, French Wanker, Happy Bastard, and Doobie)

How we met: 9th grade homeroom. It was just downhill from there. We always got in trouble for talking during the afternoon announcements.

Where we've gone together: Destin, Zurich, Greece, and next year - Australia!

What's next: Being bridesmaids in E's wedding. Sounds like trouble...

Favorite memory with M: Dancing at my parents' 50th birthday party

Big plans: M and I are retiring to a beach house eventually...haven't decided yet if our husbands/boyfriends/lovers/cabana-boys are invited.

Why I love M

• She puts up with me, which is not always easy to do
• She doesn't mind if I drunk dial her or complain about man problems
• She has big dreams and a bigger heart
• She loves animals
• She has an awesome family
• She makes me laugh and kick my feet
• She misses me when I'm gone
• She has grown so much in the time I have known her
• She will look at this post and say, "R, thanks for the shoutout...but couldn't you have picked a different photo of me?"

Graceful Ari is the Shizz: Or a List of My More Auspicious Accomplishments

Just because I felt like reflecting...I have:

• Moved recently
• Joined match.com (it's really not as psycho as you think)
• Sunbathed on the beach while secretly hoping for more than five minutes that I would sink into the sand and never reappear
• Considered a serious life change
• Postponed said life change in favor of manipulating the system for a bit longer and "milk it" for all its worth
• Watched way too much tv and pondered whether it really rots your brain
• Sighed with happiness
• Wanted to rip someone's eyes out of their head
• Driven through farmland
• Googled a crush...several times
• Drunk way too much Starbucks coffee
• Started reading a ridiculously long and academic-type book...for fun
• Wanted to fly
• Run for my life
• Cried to my mom on the phone
• Rolled my eyes at someone else's idiocy
• Danced in my bedroom
• Been serenaded by guitar in the woods (very romantique!)
• Told my best friend I love her
• Walked to the metro station
• Had eye sex with a stranger
• Taken a friend with benefits that is "bad for my soul" (but I told him so first)
• Watched my brother graduate from high school and known that I was happier for him than he has been/will ever be for me
• Seen every current movie in the theatre that I had a desire to see
• Cheated the system
• Watched a grown man cry...and felt inexpressable joy that he shared that with me
• Been dumped...twice...and counting...
• Seriously considered that I may be single for the rest of my life
• Overeaten
• Obssessed about my weight
• Called a boy one too many times
• Bought many things I did not need
• Fantasized regularly
• Blushed and laughed
• Been called "genuine"
• Sung at the top of my lungs
• Seen a photograph and pondered the story behind it
• Prayed
• Passed a homeless person without ignoring him but lied about having money to give him
• Felt ashamed of my country's leaders
• Not resolved my anger over Hurricane Katrina
• Cried because not everyone has access to quality healthcare
• Too many pairs of shoes
• Drunken Prosecco with a good friend
• Watched two of my best friends make out with each other
• Canceled one gym membership to join another
• Lost touch with loved ones
• Called an old friend
• Networked my ass off
• Not let go of a number of girlish crushes
• Been to Greece and thought that the Aegean Sea looks like blue raspberry Jello
• Argued with my parents
• Considered that writing may be my true calling (and no, I don't really care for your opinion on that)
• A serious addiction to Pinkisthenewblog.com
• Decided that the birth of a celebrity baby does not qualify as "breaking news" suitable for distribution on a certain reputable 24-hour cable news network.
• Managed to find something wrong with all MBA programs except Harvard's
• Made my parents proud
• Not learned to cook enough
• Stopped to smell the roses (I'm not kidding. My neighbors have the most beautiful bushes...)
• Asked for forgiveness
• Worked really hard
• Exceeded my monthly cell phone minutes
• Felt lonely...often
• Not been kissed nearly enough
• Learned to love me just as I am

That was cathartic. I'll probably make another list every once in a while.

My New Job: Or Spitting Out Spreadsheets

No, I didn't quit my job. I am, however, traveling again to hospitals and doing performance improvement consulting. So, the experience is necessarily like starting a completely new profession.

To put it succinctly, I love it. This is really the first time that I have ever felt challenged by (or even interested in) my work. My managers (I'm still figuring out why) give me a ton of responsibility and want to teach me something new at every given turn. I love it, love it, love it.

I never considered myself a datahead. Dataheads are geeky, snarky, socially awkward...right? Wrong. The dataheads in this particular area of my company are some of the most fun people you'll ever come to know. Shocking but true. They're really good at what they do, and also very entertaining. Where was I? Oh, yea, I'm no datahead. In fact, just the opposite. If I could find a profession that allows me to talk to people all day long, well, I'd be the best...whatever that profession is...you could possibly be. This current position is something else. Your best friend is a laptop, so you better snuggle down with that hard drive and get nice and acquainted. Formulas are your language of love and spreadsheets the fruit of your, um, er, nevermind. So anyway, I get to talk with the client every day, but in theory I could accomplish my whole tasklist using e-mail, Access and Excel.

My teammates and managers are all older than me: married, grown kids, graduate-degree-and-tons-of-healthcare-experience types, but they keep me in stitches. Who knew an ER doctor accidentally leaving a sponge inside the patient could be hilarious? Aw, come on: a little toxic shock never hurt anybody...except the patient. A sense of humor is a must in this biznass.

Love and Basketball: Or the Weirdest Fucking Sunday Night I've Had in a While

Today is a new day.

How retarded is it that it took an unfortunate event, a minor catastrophe (trivial to the rest of the world, significant to me) in my life, to make me start blogging again.

So, yea, some shit went down last night. Your girl Ari was none too pretty and none too happy. I don't even think I will discuss it in this forum: 1) out of respect, 2) because I haven't really processed it at all. That will take more than a while. There are way too many X factors...

Anyway, this shit to which I allude went down on Sunday evening at the most auspicious of times. I was in limbo, in a good mood and also tired and also anxious to receive some news. Nevertheless, I was making the best out of it:
1) Eating Orange Chicken from Mr. Chen's Organic Cuisine (see www.campusfood.com)
2) Watching my Georgetown Hoyas DOMINATE the Buckeye Bitches;
3) Gearing up for another online test prep class with the secure knowledge that my score keeps improving, which is nice.

THEN. IT. HAPPENED.

Everything became so schizo...there I was, bawling my eyes out and certain that the world (or at least mine) would end at any moment, screaming bloody murder...but the sun was shining. And the Hoyas were winning on TV. And the world continued to be as joyous as I had found it 24 hours earlier, and I could see and recognize all of this in the midst of my misery.

Why? I have no idea, but I felt like I was having an out-of-body-experience. I highly recommend it, but I hope you never have to feel the sting of pain I did to get there.

In any case, I don't know if anyone out there is still reading, but in some capacity, I'm back. I've been cheating on you, dear blog, but I pledge to repent and be faithful once again.

It's Been So Long: Or How Hoyas Crush Blue Devils

Really...what else can you say about that?

Mum's the Word: Or What Happens in ___ Stays in ___!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.

It's not that I have been busy.
Or bored.
Or uninteresting.

Indeed, quite the contrary. But knowing my luck, the person(s) I really have the urge to blog about would find out...and the consequences could be disastrous.

So that's all I have to say about that.

Stir Crazy: Or How to Entertain Yourself on a Rainy Day

In light of the current weather and previous blog entries, I submit to you the top ten ways to entertain yourself on a gloomy autumn day:

10. Make up a new vocabulary of verbs using various body parts.

9. Tackle the internal conflict generated by your fervent feminism and your love of hip-hop music.

8. Throw a sophisticated houseparty.

7. Listen to some Awesome Aussies make fun of silly, MTV-Spring-Break-type American kids.

6. Get blazed with a seminary student.

5. Count your blessings that you don't travel for work (or count your frequent flyer miles, your choice).

4. Go to the gym and get swole!

3. Look through old pictures.

2. Jump up and down in an elevator.

And the number one way to entertain yourself on a rainy fall evening:

1. Count the she-males on 18th Street in Adams Morgan!

Bally Total Fitness: Or How To Sell Your Soul to a Gym

I suppose that's what I get for being bored one day. P convinced me, while at work, to sign up for a free two-week trial membership at Bally Total Fitness. I think she just wanted some motivation to go herself, and having a workout buddy can do that to you...and how.

So here I am, only one week into the two-week trial, and I've gone to the gym every day. Something about it just sucks you in. There's hard body hotties, and girls in cute exercise gear, there's even a flipping juice bar.

Somehow my psyche has been altered, and Bally Total Fitness has become like crack cocaine to me: Must do CardioFlex on Monday, must make it to Spinning Class on Tuesday, KwandoFlex on Wednesday, more Spinning on Thursday, lift on Friday. Forget about resting on Saturday and Sunday...you've just gotten started.

My eyelids are heavy, my back hurts, my ankles are swollen, I can't feel other parts of my body, and sometimes moving about can be agonizing. So guess where I'm going this afternoon? That's right: Bally Total Fitness.

I give up...and relinquish all control to The Bally.

World of Warcraft: Or Too Much Free Time

So I was talking to a friend online today and we started discussing the different things we do to pass the time at work (work not being one of those things, interestingly enough). My friend told me that he had been sucked into the "world of warcraft," and I'm thinking, okay, he's obssessed with planes and aircraft carriers...whatever floats your boat.

Oh, no. It's better than that, he explained. "World of Warcraft" is a MMORPG, or Massive Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game (read: Super Dorkfest...disclaimer: I can say that because I'm the biggest dork of all). Apparently the whole world knows about it, except for me. So, for those of you NOT in the loop: Here's the gist...


The storyline is based on the Warcraft game series (again, drawing a blank here). So anyway, you can create your own characters from eight races and nine classes, but the main objective is to align yourself with a certain faction: the Horde or the Alliance. From there, your "team" (as it were) I guess strategizes and works together to defeat the other faction. You may laugh and think, "Who the hell has time to do that?", but worldwide about 3 to 4 million people are playing this RPG.

What fascinates me most is that the people who are playing are most likely highly educated adults. Think about it...kids are in school most of the day, though they may play a bit at night, college students are probably another faction because they have flexible schedules, and people who do not have higher degrees may often have a job that does not necessitate the use of a computer.

You know what that means...governments and multinational corporations are PAYING people to sit in front of a computer all day, avoid doing real work and escape to a fantasyland of elves, orcs, trolls, warlocks and warriors. Plus, think of those faction names: The Horde, the Alliance. Good gravy! We're teaching people how to be subversive and rebel against injustice and oppressive authorities! Gotta love it. If pissing away your day playing Warcraft isn't a clever way of sticking it to THE MAN, I don't know what is.

Thank you, Warcraft players. I salute you for your contribution to the Revolution.

Hump Day Eve: Or Going Back to College

Somehow I knew it was probably a bad idea when I got off the GUTS bus. But S had called me to say hi and see if I would be on campus. I hadn't seen her in a while and thought it would be nice to catch up. Granted, I do live live just a 5-minute walk away from my old stomping grounds at Georgetown University, but actually hanging out on campus is a different experience altogether. There's something familiar and oddly comforting about being there, but at the same time, as I get older, and the familiar faces are fewer and farther between, I feel out of place and uneasy. Nevertheless, I stopped by S's apartment just to chat for a few minutes, but I ended up staying for about 4 hours.

By the way, S has lovely roommates. I wish I'd had that kind of living situation during college. On a random Tuesday night, they were gathered around the kitchen table, gossiping and drinking (Korbel champagne and scotch on the rocks...classy!), smoking hookah, listening to music (house, "Golddigger" and "Shake it Off"), and generally just enjoying each other's company, and for a brief while, I was a part of it...and that was not mildly uncomfortable.

Then...the boys showed up. They arrived, like Santa Claus on the evening of December 24, bearing gifts of Busch Light and ping pong balls and announcing the weekly holiday, "Hump Day Eve" (i.e. the day before Hump Day, Wednesday...hey, some people don't know...). When they busted out the beer pong table, suddenly I had a single thought: I am way too old for this shit.

Final verdict: I miss college and chilling with girlfriends. I don't miss immature boys and drinking games.

Congrats, Erin and Jon: Or "Another One Bites the Dust"

My good high school friend Erin recently announced her engagement to her boyfriend of several years, Jon. I am extremely happy for her and eager to know where I can find a man who worships the ground I walk on (as Jon seems to for her). I haven't met Jon yet, but I have heard lots of wonderful things, and I will be glad to know him finally.

This will be, I know, a marriage that will stand the test of time. Plus they'll have really cute kids! Furthermore, this will be a wedding ceremony at which I will inevitably cause some trouble. Drunken wedding guests only make the party more fun, right? Anyway, Erin is the first of my closest friends to prepare for a trip down the aisle, and I have suddenly realized: I AM GETTING VERY OLD.

Here's to Erin and Jon! :)

Keepin it Real: Or My Definition of Friendship

I fucked up. There it is. Plain as day. She knows what I did and that I'm sorry. She already forgave me for it. That's because she's my best friend.

A best friend:

• Calls you on ALL of your bullshit.
• Forgives you before you've said I'm sorry.
• Holds you to a higher standard.
• Doesn't keep track of who did what nice thing for whom, or if those nice things are equal.
• Thinks of you always, no matter the occasion.
• Keeps it real. Honesty hurts but it's better than sugarcoating the truth.
• Never stops loving you.

Club AJ: Or Two Hot Chicks Throw a Party

AJ Productions, Inc. Proudly Presents
"SausageFest 2K5"

"Two thumbs way up!"

"I laughed, I cried. It was better than AK's housewarming!"

"A stunning first outing by fresh new talent!"

"The jungle juice runneth over..."

"Who wants to be DD?"

"For every drunken party guest, there are two hot hostesses responsible."

"How do I get invited to the next one?"



Thanks for coming out, kids. We hope you had a great time. We really enjoyed having you there.

Girlfight: Or Prof-on-Prof Violence

Fuck what ya heard...Georgetown University streets are tough, and only the strong survive, homie...


http://www.thehoya.com/news/091605/news1.cfm

Professor Accused in Campus Assault By Moises MendozaHoya Staff Writer Friday, September 16, 2005; Page A1

A Georgetown professor allegedly hit a State Department worker outside Lauinger Library last Thursday, prompting the woman to bite him and the professor's wife to call her a "cannibal."
According to police accounts, Ibrahim Oweiss, a School of Foreign Service-Qatar economics professor, hit Michelina Bonnano in her face with a closed fist while she sat inside her car Sept. 10. A Metropolitan Police Department incident report said that Bonnano, a former Georgetown professor and a current employee of the State Department, responded to the alleged assault by biting his right hand.
Bonnano said Thursday that she was packing items into her parked car near Lauinger when she saw Oweiss and his wife, Georgetown French professor Celine Oweiss, running toward her. Bonnano said she got into her car and rolled her window down at which point Ibrahim Oweiss started grabbing the identification card around her neck.
"He started grabbing at my ID and pulling it and he just punched me in my face and knocked off my glasses," she said. "He grabbed me and wouldn't let go and I bit him to get him away from me."
A Georgetown student had to pull Oweiss off Bonnano, she said. She added that she reported the assault to several passing Department of Public Safety officers who took a report.
Ibrahim Oweiss could not be reached for comment Thursday because he was in Qatar but his wife insisted that he had not struck Bonnano and that Bonnano had bit him without provocation.
"We have cannibals on campus," she said. "Her car and another car were blocking the little hole leading to the library. It was urgent for us to leave and we had waited a long time."
Celine Oweiss said that her husband was only trying to look at Bonnano's Georgetown ID tag hanging around her neck when she bit him.
"He did not hit her and she has no signs of attack or anything. This is like Mike Tyson biting the ear of his adversary. It's incredible the aggressiveness we witnessed," Celine Oweiss said.
The MPD incident report said that Ibrahim Oweiss had a cut on his hand and that Bonnano suffered a cut and bruising above her left eye. Both were taken by GERMS to Georgetown University Medical Center and released, the report said.
Ibrahim Oweiss was not arrested, but both Celine Oweiss and Bonnano said that they are contemplating taking legal action.

Hoya Staff Writer Alex Schank contributed to this report.

Takin it Back to the Old School: Or a Trip Down Memory Lane

Okay, you ever go through your pictures and just laugh your ass off? Or just smile and remember? Well, these pics do it for me.

Why put this together? Because I was bored and needed a laugh...
For your enjoyment, some of my favorite weird photo ops...



This is my mom. Clearly I learned to doublefist from her. I did not, however, inherit her high tolerance for the spirits.


Case in point: During the summer of 2003, I studied abroad at Oxford University. Here's me during a "wine party." (As Greg would say, welcome to the Bad Idea Club).



Here I am approximately 10 minutes after that first picture, with Liz, JR, Clare and Hemali. After that, I puked in the rose bushes outside in that beautiful courtyard and passed out in my bed by 8:45 PM while everyone else went out partying.



But Oxford wasn't all about drinking...we had some good sober times. Here are two of my very favorite people at Oxford: Kevin and Liz. Kevin's the sweetest, most considerate person you'll ever meet. Liz is an awesome cook, baker and knows more about music than anyone. They made it an unforgettable experience. That guy in the back is nice, too, but I forgot his name. Don't hate me, random guy!






Also, during a trip to Stratford (Shakespeare's birthplace), I dominated John in a DDR battle (Dance Dance Revolution, for you non-nerds).




The last few days at Oxford were to be spent studying for final exams...clearly we studied very hard...Here's my roommate Kelly jumping on the couch in our suite after a card game outside on the lawn.








Here's Arianne nude on the beach in Barcelona...GOTCHA! It's just a strapless swimsuit.





No, that's not a boy. She's one of my dearest friends, Janice. And she thought it would be wild and adventurous to chop off her long beautiful hair before senior year. Bad idea club! I was furious with her and vowed not to let her live it down...so I post the picture online for the world to see. *Sigh*








Also in the summer of 2003, I attended the Summer Venture in Management at Harvard Business School. Or as I call it, Haaaaaahvahd. There I met Ron. He's one of the neatest people I've ever met, and is better at "staying in touch" than anyone. I can count on a phone call or e-mail from Ron at least once a month. Unfortunately, while drinking and talking, he accidentally spit in my eye...hence the weird look on my face.



One highlight of SVMP was the pajama Jammy Jam. Here Alex breaks it down for the ladies...

All in all, a great program. I met a lot of great young people, learned a lot about HBS, and saw some hotspots in Beantown. Who knows, maybe I'll return to Haaaahhhvahd for grad school.





Senior year started out with a bang, to be sure. Here's yet another jam-packed house party at 3616 N St., a Georgetown University townhouse. I'm not kidding when I say the WALLS were sweating...







Here's my derivatives class buddy, Jerry. He happened to catch me before a night on the town. A couple girlfriends and I went to Dream for a Democratic National Convention event starring Bill Clinton. Hehe. It was supposed to raise funds for the 2004 election, but we all know how that turned out...

...Anyway, I think Jerry's adorable. I think he's some kind of secret agent now, so we lost touch, and I miss him. Hope you're doing well, buddy!






Ah, sweet sweet Megan. To this day, she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen up close. Granted, this isn't the best picture, but it is my favorite. Megan was doing a striptease for our cab driver on the way back from happy hour. Gotta love it.

Megs is now seeking fame in fortune in Hollywood. Look out, world!





One night I ditched Jerry and derivatives class to go to a lounge called Home. So I wasn't lying to the professor when I said I needed to go home...Here's my cousin Charla and I with some of her coworkers...there's nothing particularly scandalous about this photo until you check out the drunk chick on the floor. She's not posing, she FELL that way. As my friends would say, "Don't be that girl!"



Oh, my dear dear Jason...he was mad I didn't want to dance with him. So he gave me an unsolicited lap dance at Bohemian Caverns. Why yes, he is crushing me and true, it is hard to breathe that way. But we had a good night anyway.

The things we do for the sake of "droppin it like it's hot..."



For the second year in a row, I attended the Business Today International Conference in New York City in 2003. This annual event gathers 200 overachieving college students from around the world to meet with top business executives and kiss ass like it's a full-time job. They should actually call it the Drinking Today International Kiss-Ass Festival. Seriously, it's a great experience and I highly recommend it.

That year, I met Adrienne, a quiet, sweet girl from Kansas...yea, right! Once we hit the bars, Adrienne was anything but quiet! I think in this picture she's saying, "Shhh...Arianne, don't ever tell anyone you ever saw me like this..." Too late. Anyway, Adrienne's da bomb and has come to visit me twice in DC. She makes me wanna yell, "Yo, Adrienne!"





Here is another Biz Today guy...actually I met Kevin the year before at the conference, but he stopped by to say hello.

Here is what I like about Kevin: He is awesome at schmoozing. He knows everybody and will talk to anybody. He (he'll prob correct me if I get this wrong) worked for Bad Boy/BMG, then for Arista, and now works for the new online crack-cocaine: thefacebook.com ! He owns a night club in Cancun and sends me pictures of him with celebs like 50 Cent and Paris Hilton.

My favorite Kevin quote: "I hung out with Puff Daddy...Puff Daddy is the whitest black man I have ever met."



This is Buck. Don't make fun of his name; he's gonna be a senator one day. And frankly, it fits him well (Buck, I mean that in a very serious and positive way). As my fellow RA senior year, we spent countless hours bashing our hall director and generally musing about other useless topics. He came with us to Dream on the night of my birthday party, which I appreciated, and showed us all his awesome dance moves.


Plus, Buck has hot friends from his former life...*wink*...








Here's Lindsey shortly before graduation playing with my camera. Don't you think she should be a model?








During Senior Week (week before graduation), we had a Trucker Party (classy...). Anyway, Teesha and Fatty break it down on the dance floor..













o, after graduation, I had some time to party...my parents had a joint 50th birthday party down in Destin, FL, and basically 100+ black people descended on the Sandestin resort for a crazy good time (doesn't happen often there).

Pictured here is a family friend, Kevin (he was my "boyfriend" when we were like 10). No, he is not touching my boob, but I thought it was a funny pic anyway. There's Molly on the left!




I love this picture. Molly and I got drunk in Destin during my parents' party and got to playing Spit (some lame people call it Speed). Anyway, Molly is a Spit champion, and, maybe it was the Smirnoff, but I beat her that night. I rule.

She got all pissed and started throwing things. It was, in a word, hilarious.









Okay, there's really nothing funny or interesting about this pic, but I like it.

After all, September is Shameless Promotion Month. So why not promote yourself?






Okay, so after some summer fun, I started this job where they pay me a lot of money to do very little work. I highly recommend it. To boot, I met a lot of really nice people to who like to have fun.

One of my favorites is fellow blogger DC Cookie and her constant partner in crime.





Through one of my coworkers I met Osie, the hottie on the right. In the Deep Dark South, they call him Tres.

Thus began what he calls a "loose affiliation." Anyway, he's hot and silly and sweet, and that's all I have to say about that.


So, at this new job, I did what I do best...plan social events. I even got involved in planning the traditional office Christmas party. I brought Osie as my date, and we dressed up as Bonnie and Clyde.

I look so DANGEROUS!







And last, but not least, this is my little brother Max. Okay, not really...but it's an awesome picture of a crazy kid anyway.

Here is my real brother, who has the whole 9th grade girls basketball team on lock...not to mention some models and college freshmen...where do you think he learned his pimpin skills?

Tempted to Touch: Or My Weird Encounters with Men

Hi, it's me again...

So, I've been thinking (scary, I know), and recent events have led me to some conclusions regarding Ari vs. The Male Species. Here is what I hold to be true:

• Men find me unapproachable. Inevitably I will encounter a handsome manboy at school/work/bar/party/church, he will unabashedly stare at me, eye-fuck me, mentally undress me...and never say a word to me. I have had to become quite courageous in going up to men first (at least the ones I am attracted to, unattractive men have no qualms about seeking me out first) and beginning a conversation. At some point, said manboy will quip, "Wow, I'm impressed you came and talked to me. I was a little intimidated by you." I am still baffled as to whether I should take that statement as a compliment or criticism. Do I look constantly pissed off? Do I look like I would never acknowledge your presence if you spoke to me? (Well, truth be told I may ignore you if you a) look psychotic or b) approach me with some crass comment about the ungodly things you would do to my body) Clearly I'm attractive, but not stunningly gorgeous in my opinion...I like to think of my beauty as a sneak-up-behind-you type and very unassuming. Haha...But let's get back to the point. For whatever reason, men are intimidated by what they perceive me to be. My friends often call me their "most self-confident" companion, and that is true to some extent, but as my best friend M will attest, when it comes to boys/men/dating/sex, I can be downright terrified and highly self-critical. It really makes no sense at all. Men see a self-assured, beautiful popular woman; but oh, if they knew the dorky nerd girl that resides inside.
• I must confuse men, because they deeply confuse me. Here's an all-too-often pattern in my love life: Boy meets Ari, boy get's Ari's number, boy calls Ari and asks her out, Ari accepts, Boy and Ari start hanging out on a semi-regular basis. To Ari's delight, Boy expresses an interest in continuing to see her. Ari agrees and everything seems to be going well. One day, Boy stops calling and does not return phone calls or e-mails. Boy apparently falls off face of Earth. Come on...I could understand if this happened once or twice, but really...this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The first couple times I thought, okay, he's just a flake. But now, there is clearly something wrong with ME. Anybody out there got any ideas, do let me know.
• I have no "type." I guess that would make me slutty, but I don't hook up with guys a lot. More likely it just makes me boy crazy. I am attracted to/can find something attractive about pretty much any man I see. Any race, religion, height, weight, etc...I can name a few guys I've tried to nab. Is this really a sign I'm as open-minded as I purport myself to be...or do I just have low standards? Haha...

Stay tuned, kids...I predict my love/hate relationship with the Y chromosome will only become more interesting with time.

The Stiff-Meister: Or Why I love my roommate...

No, not like that...but D and his friend Wouiza came up with a hella funny list based on Stifler-isms (You know, American Pie dude) after we cracked outselves up saying "Hang out with my wang out." So without further ado, for your reading pleasure, you could:

• You could:
  Rock out with your cock out
  Pass out with your ass out
  Hang out with your wang out
  Sit out with your tit out
  Rest out with your breast out
  Jump out with your rump out
  Wuss out with your puss out
  Stick out with your dick out
  Sneak out with your cheek out
  Fake out with your snake out
  Skip out with your nip out
  Fall out with your ball out
  Watch out with your chatch out
  Shoot out with your coot out
  Black out with your crack out
  Go out with your camel toe out
  Get laughed out with your shaft out
  Rot out with your twat out
  Tune out with your poon out
  Hunt out with your cunt out
  Stole out with your pole out
  Blows out with your hose out
  Pound out with your mound out
  Cool out with your tool out
  Trips/Flips out with your lips out
  Bugs out with your jugs out
  Leave out with your beav out
  Rocks out with your box out
  Eat out with your teat out
  Run out with a bun out
  Shut out with your nut out
  Weird out with your beard out
  Dork out with your pork out
  Pork out with your dork out
  Grump out with your rump out
• Crunk out with your junk out (courtesy of DC Cookie)

We're taking more suggestions, people... :)

I take back everything bad I said about Kanye West

Anyone who ain't scurred to rip Bush a new one on live tv can have my $16.99 for an album sale.

http://http://media.putfile.com/Kanye79

Hurricane Katrina vs. The Grahams: Or Why My Family Kicks Ass

Okay, so I know this blog is generally supposed to be about the crazy things that happen to me and me alone...but that mantra seems a tad bit self-absorbed and self-centered at this particular moment.

Besides, I would definitely call Hurricane Katrina a Series of Unfortunate Events, much like my blog.

Just in case you've been living under a rock for the last week, i am indeed referring to a devastating hurricane that ruined much of the beautiful Gulf Coast, one of my favorite regions of America, despite being part of the deepest, darkest bass-ackward South.

For me, Hurricane Katrina became very personal very quickly. Originally, all of my folks come from Louisiana. My dad's side still has reunions in the state. My mom and her three sisters were born and raised in New Orleans, and much of their side of the family lives there, including my mother's parents, my maternal grandparents. Shirley and Joe are now 80 years old, and while dear old grandpa is alive and kicking in spite of a 66 year love affair with tobacco, Grandma Shirley is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and her frail 70 lb body has begun to deteriorate. Needless to say, evacuating her in preparation for a hurricane was not really an option.

Prior to the storm, my mom made sure Grandpa Joe had made adequate preparations with plenty of food and water. As Sunday night began to fall, however, and mandatory evacuations were ordered, I became increasingly concerned for their safety. Monday morning dawned, and it seemed the worst was over. Parts of Louisiana and Mississippi were devastated, but I happily learned my grandparents were safe at home in New Orleans.

Then the unthinkable happened...well, clearly it was not unthinkable, as many experts apparently foresaw a disaster of this magnitude. The levees protecting this below sea-level city (whose dumb idea was THAT?) from the ocean and Lake Ponchartrain failed the citizens of New Orleans, and the floodwaters rushed in. When we didn't hear from Grandpa Joe, we resigned ourselves to the worst. They probably did not make it out of their house alive. But a miracle occured. This is my grandparents' harrowing story as I know it to have happened:

Grandpa Joe said the flood had reached his knees by the time he knew he had to get out of the house. He opened the door to a few neighbors that helped him get grandma to a local high school with 300 other citizens. Later he would tell me that the last thing he saw as he left the house was a picture of myself and him at my graduation ceremony from Georgetown University. It broke my heart. At the high school, they had no food, water or working toilets. By grace and grace alone, my grandpa's cell phone found a signal and he called my mother, who happened to be near the phone in Atlanta. He told her of their conditions, and my father (amazing man, really) started a phone and e-mail chain that touched thousands. We were able to finally get through to CNN, Fox News, FEMA and the U.S. Coast Guard about my grandparents' whereabouts. We still do not know who rescued them from that place. After leaving the high school, the evacuees were dropped off at an onramp to Interstate 10. There they were told to walk about 3 miles to the Convention Center or the Superdome to await buses. Grandpa could not push Grandma that far in her wheelchair, so they waited along the highway with about 100 others. They slept on the concrete of a major interstate for several nights. He said that buses "full of white people" passed him by without stopping, and that conditions deteriorated to the point that he believed "they" (law enforcement forces) were "out exterminating black people" in the street (say what you want about the racial implications of this tragedy, but the simple fact of the matter is this: my grandpa was there, he lived it, you didn't, so shut the hell up. Oh yea, and the "looters" that stole groceries from stores, well they were the ones who probably kept my family alive with their stolen goods. But yea, there's really no excuse for stealing TVs and tennish shoes...). At some point on Friday we got two voice mail messages: one from a woman named Pam who had been with my grandparents at the high school and was calling from Baton Rouge. The other was a National Guardsman with a thick Southern accent, saying, "Dr. Graham, I met your father-in-law, Joe Gaspard. He wanted me to call and tell you he's okay, and to come and get him." Later that same evening, we finally received a phone call from Grandpa Joe in Eunice, LA. He and grandma had been evacuated to a tiny Baptist church in the middle of nowhere. My parents hopped in the car, drove all the way to Louisiana and back in 21 hours. Thank God. My grandparents are now safe in Atlanta.

Needless to say, it was the longest week of my life. I didn't realize how much I really do love my family until I almost lost them. As I said in an e-mail to family and friends, all the anger I had felt over the past week had dissipated. I was angry at my grandparents for not leaving the city in the first place, angry at FEMA and the Bush administration for being incompetent as usual, angry at the crackheads shooting at rescue helicopters, angry at the racist and classist talking heads all over the country that have no clue about the day-to-day life of our nation's poorest citizens, angry at the media for making me sick with worry, the list went on and on.

All of a sudden, the things I worried and obssessed over seem so minute. My job, my love life, my money...bullshit. All of it. I have life, I have health, I have family, I have faith. I am so utterly blessed, and I don't deserve any of it. I do, however, have a new and unrelenting desire to expose evil in all of its forms; be it the Bush administration, government bureaucracy in general, racism, classism and all the other "ism's"...Look out, world, you just got yourself a new champion of justice.

I'll say it one more time: If you don't believe in miracles because you've never witnessed one, then just take one look at my family's nightmare-turned-reunion. If you still don't believe after that, then I feel sorry for you. I am happy to report that the heavens are not closed and the earnest prayers of the faithful are still answered by a merciful and loving God. I only hope that the life I live will be a testament to these statements being true.

Alrighty, I'll get off my high horse now. Just thought I'd share...