The Misogynist Within: Or My Secret Love of Hip-Hop

Okay, so I consider myself a feminist. Not a femi-Nazi, for those of you misinformed souls out there. I believe in the inherent equality between male and female, on almost every imaginable level. Where we differ in ability, there tends to be some sort of balance. For example, you, caveman, can benchpress a small truck. I, a lady, can push a baby the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon (*ick*, but not any time soon). I can openly discuss my feelings and emotions without anyone calling me a sissy, but you can check your emotions at the door in order to make a rational argument (especially important when your debate partner only responds to rationale). You can fart and belch without fear of reprieve, but I can flash a winning smile (or a strategically placed pout, your choice) to get what I want. I want equal pay for equal work. I want it to be publicly recognized and valued that a parent (male or female) who chooses to stay at home and raise children has just as demanding a career as their corporate attorney spouse (by the way, women who work and raise babies better not ever hear their husbands talking smack about anything). Men and women are equal in the eyes of God, and it is the manmade constructs of organized religion and patriarchy that have convinced us otherwise.

So, I'm a feminist, and it is my duty to oppose all things degrading and demeaning to women. An obvious target: rap and hip hop music. Now don't get your panties in a bunch: just as with any stereotype, what applies to the group does not necessarily apply to each individual. This genre of music covers a great many topics of interest, and plenty other genres haven't been kind to women, either. However, decades of "bitch" this, "ho" that and scantily-clad "video hoes" submissively shaking their badunk-a-dunk booties all over the place, while the rapper describes all the things he's going to do to her body (because it's an object, a mere plaything), has got me fuming.

Recently a male friend of mine began sharing with me his genuine love of hip-hop, and I must admit: I was floored. Who knew there was so much to learn? Well, obviously he did. I got to hear everything, and believe me, he knows a TON. So, in turn, I decided to give it a chance. More often I started tuning to my "Hip-hop/Rap" playlist on my iPod (most prized possession). It was only then that I started to actually LISTEN to the lyrics of the tunes I was grooving to. Then I felt ashamed. Dirty. A traitor to my gender. For you, readers, a glimpse at possibly the most offensive songs on my iPod...

*Head Sprung - LL Cool J. Presumably titled to liken a woman's head to a spring coil, bouncing up and down as she...ooh, I'm getting nauseated....
*Can I Get A... - Jay-Z. Okay, this one goes both ways. J claims women all are all gold diggers, and the chick on the track pretty much confirms it. Count how many times he says bitch....oy.
*Overnight Celebrity - Twista. I like the line about, *ahem*, "dessert condiments." Essentially, sleep with me (but you'll have to close your eyes and imagine it's Denzel, because Twista's a big boy), and I might get you a recording contract.
*Sugar (Gimme Some) - Trick Daddy. He dedicates this one to all the "nice, clean, decent women." Then proceeds to compare all the ice cream flavors (different kinds of women) he likes to sleep with. Pure poetry...
*Superman - "Put anthrax on a tampax and slap you (a woman) till you can't stand." LMAO...I mean, that is not humorous at all! Well, sort of funny...
*Spread - Andre 3000. To his credit, Andre also has a song called "Behold a Lady", which I just love. And spread does refer to what you think it does...
*It's O.K. - Slimm Calhoun. This is where Ari learned what "cutting" or "to cut" means. Apparently "all these lonely girls" wanna cheat on their man to get with a guy who hasn't had a hit record in...well, wait. Who were we talking about again?
*Big Pimpin' - Jay-Z - The opening lines are "You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em Take 'em out the hood Keep 'em looking good But I don't fuckin' feed em." From what I hear, video hoes thrive on sperm and cocaine alone, so I guess you don't have to technically feed them...
*What's Luv? - Fat Joe feat. Ashanti. Now, this is really Tina Turner's fault. She said first, "What's Love Got to Do with it?"
*Holiday Inn - Chingy. Video hoes + cognac + weed + economy-priced hotel chain = blazed-out-of-my-mind enough to drop my panties for TWO ugly rappers (Snoop and Chingy)? I must protest...
*Nasty Dancer - Kilo. Again, I blame Tina Turner. Kilo did sample this song from her. But he gave it an ATL booty beat and called her a "project ho." Classic.
*Love in Ya Mouth - Kilo. What he really means is he wants to kiss? Make out...right? RIGHT? Well, he does mention being really "hizzard" and not feeling her "teefez".
*Get Low (remix) - Lil John. I guess the depravity of this one doesn't really hit you until you hear your 50 year old suburban mother singing along with this one in her minivan (WHAT DID I TELL YOU? THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME...).
*Ignition (remix) - R. Kelly. I "remind you of" your Lexus Coupe? Didn't you do that song a couple albums ago?
*Hot In Herre - Nelly. Well, you gotta give him credit. He explicitly tells you to get naked. At least you know what you're getting into...
*Tip Drill - Nelly. This video features a credit card being swiped down the crack of a video ho's behind. Now that's art.
*Gigolo - R. Kelly feat. Nick Cannon (let's call him Kells, hehe) - Watch out ladies, ladies. He's not tryin to be your man, he's tryin to leave the club with a groupie (and get herpes, you sick SOB).
*Project Bitch - Cash Money Millionaires. The gold-toothed New Orleans clique regales us with their love of the good women who grow up in housing projects; you know, "hood rat chicks." They apparently have some amazing *ahem* skills.
*Back that Azz Up - Juvenile -"I wanna walk you like a dog." Really? And just how does that work?
*B aby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot. Now, I know none of you have ever heard of this song, but seriously, it's really degrading to women. If you heard it, no way you'd ever dance to it. Promise.
*Oh Boy - Camron. He's awfully confident about being so misogynist considering he's the UGLIEST RAPPER IN HISTORY.
*Hey Ma - Camron. See above.
*Still Not a Player - Big Pun feat. Fat Joe - He "regulates every shade of that ass." How romantic. Afterwards, get your clothes, you gotta get out, biatch!


Haha. As the above-mentioned friend would say, most of this music isn't even "real" hip-hop. It's actually pop music, played in constant rotation on radio stations and in clubs...and that's probably why I like it, because it has a catchy hook and you can dance to it. Nevermind the fact that I'm essentially slapping every feminist icon in the face with my blatant disregard for their efforts...I gotta shake my groove thang on Saturday night. Sorry, Gloria Steinem, you wasted a lifetime trying to eradicate the objectification of the fairer sex because I, a female, silently approve these misogynist songs by bobbing my head in time with the beat.

What's even worse is when other women objectify themselves. Case in point, a favorite Janet Jackson track from Damito Jo:
"You need to make love to me like you don't love me. Don't have to be gentle tonight. Just be an animal tonight...Do me, baby, come on and drive me crazy. Act like I'm not your lady. Do me like you wanna do them other girls..." ~"Like You Don't Love Me"

Question, WTF is wrong with me? I must be seriously sick in the head. Somebody ought to slap the crap out of me...but in the meantime, where's my iPod?